If it’s in this week’s tabloids, opportunities are it didn’t happen.
” I’m Never Ever Going Back!” screams the ‘National Enquirer’ cover. “Bitter Harry Breaks With William Forever!” Didn’t occur.
The Royal fight between the 2 princes allegedly blew up when Harry declined to go back to Britain for the Queen’s 94 th birthday on April21
But the story makes no sense, as the Queen spent her birthday in seclusion with Prince Philip sequestered from the rest of her family. Harry wouldn’t have actually seen her even if he was in the UK, and nobody anticipated him to fly home for the celebration in the middle of a global pandemic.
There was no yelling row in between the brothers, and on her birthday the Queen happily chatted with Harry on Zoom, which was as close as anybody got to Her Majesty.
” George & Amal – $500 m Divorce Problem!” declares the ‘World’ cover. Didn’t take place.
The Clooneys have not declared divorce. They aren’t even living apart.
So where does their “divorce problem” originated from? The creativity of fearful good friends, AKA desperate tabloid press reporters.
George and Amal are presumably “so much at each other’s throats throughout the coronavirus lockdown that buddies fear the simmering bad blood will boil over into a $500 million divorce!”
Because that’s what good friends are for: to fear the worst and go to the nearest tabloid.
George and Amal are apparently restricted in their “high-end Tinseltown estate” which need to be horrible for the poor dears. Helpfully, the story concludes: “Eventually, neither of them wants a divorce …” Well, there’s a surprise.
” Beyoncé Caught in DUI Scary!” reports the ‘Enquirer.’ Didn’t occur.
She wasn’t apprehended drinking or driving. Not even jaywalking.
In a stretch worthy of the incredibly elastic superhero Mister Fantastic, the ‘Enquirer’ reports that Beyoncé’s daddy’s ex-girlfriend was supposedly detained for DUI with her nine-year-old daughter – declared by her mom to be Beyoncé’s half-sister – in the automobile.
As for Beyoncé, she’s not caught in this “horror” or anywhere near it.
” Gnarly!” reports the ‘Globe’ about Prince Harry. “It’s Web Surfer Man Harry!” Didn’t occur.
Despite Harry being envisioned on a beach wearing a wetsuit and carrying a surfboard under his arm, the story makes clear he’s never been surfing, although they do not even trouble with a small-print caption confessing’s a mocked-up photo collage.
” Prince Harry is shelling out dollars to learn how to be a genuine California beach bum!” states the report. This regardless of the fact that Harry is pandemic house-bound except for the uncommon expedition for charity work, the fact that California’s beaches are closed, and the very real possibility that ocean water might be harmful to surfers’ health as city run-off could harbor coronavirus.
” Much of his extra time will be invested surfing and taking in the sun on the beach,” claims an unnamed expert. Sure.
In yet another Royal story, the ‘Globe’ reports: “Prince Andrew Asks Feds For No-Prison Plea Deal! … Quakes as feds squeeze him to screech about Epstein friends.” This is a follow-up on recently’s dubious claim that Andrew has actually been prosecuted by a secret grand jury, though the ‘Globe’ still can’t figure out what charges he’s arraigned on in relation to billionaire pedophile Jeffrey Epstein. Could it be sex trafficking? Statutory rape? Genetic stupidity? The rag isn’t stating, due to the fact that they have not believed that far ahead.
The ‘World’ ‘claims that the beleaguered Royal “is asking prosecutors for a no-prison plea handle exchange for spilling his guts.” Simply didn’t occur.
As coronavirus has actually shut down movie and TELEVISION production, called a stop to red carpet premieres and keeps most stars in the house, the tabloids are reduced to weaving stories from the thinnest of thread.
What’s a tabloid to do when the only star images you consistently get week after week are of Ben Affleck strolling with his new love, starlet Ana de Armas?
” Ana Worries Bad Marks From Ben’s Mother!” claims the ‘Enquirer.’
It’s plainly an act of desperation and a cry for aid when the ‘Enquirer’ composes: “If she desires to remain she’ll require to impress … his mother!” Right.
What to do when there’s no celeb news around? Dig deep into the bottom drawer and take out a story that didn’t qualify 4 years earlier, and hope nobody notifications.
” Moonwalker Michael’s Feet Were Rotted Mess!” reports the ‘Enquirer,’ pricing quote Michael Jackson’s disgraced former doctor Dr. Conrad Murray on the state of the gloved one’s fungally-challenged pedal extremities, as explained in his book ‘This Is It.’
They even have the audacity to label the story an “Enquirer Exclusive,” which is pretty rich for a story raised from a book published in July2016 What could be more special than that?
Naturally, you can’t have a week in the tabloids without pointing out that trio of exes Jennifer Aniston, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie.
Brad’s obviously so bad with money that it has actually Angelina worried; however Brad’s so good with money that Jen is pleading for his financial recommendations, according to this week’s warring tabloid stories.
” Brad & Angie in Battle Over Bucks!” claims the ‘Enquirer.’ “She’s steaming over his big spending on homes.” They are still challenging legal custody of their children, it’s real, however they are not combating over their respective fortunes, so Brad can do what he desires with his money, even if the ‘Enquirer’ his spending routines.
But the ‘World’ has a different take on Brad’s monetary acumen, reporting: “Jen Leans on Brad For Money Magic!” Aniston supposedly gets monetary and financial investment recommendations from ex-husband Pitt, due to the fact that “there aren’t much more savvy operators in Hollywood than Brad.” Maybe someone must inform that to Angelina.
” Let United States Live In Peace!” state Prince Harry & Meghan on the cover of ‘United States’ magazine. Didn’t take place.
The renegade royals have cut ties with four British papers – not that they ever worked together with them in the first location – however state they still anticipate to be level playing field for every single other media outlet. That sends lots of messages, but “Let United States Reside In Peace” is not one of them.
‘ Us’ claims that the global pandemic has actually offered Harry and Meghan “a special chance to focus on what they love most: providing back.”
How is that a “unique chance”? The couple spend much of their public lives performing charity work, with or without coronavirus.
The cover of ‘Us’ mag is committed to Katie Holmes and her child: “Suri Turns 14! Conserved By Love. Leaving Scientology & growing up without Dad.”
Father would be couch-jumping Scientology poster boy Tom Cruise, obviously. Holmes declares she is “so blessed” to have a normal kid. However does she ever covertly wonder what Suri would be like if she was a Level 7 Operating Thetan by now?
As the international nightmare of pandemic rages ‘People’ magazine brings us its annual “Lovely Concern,” treating readers to “40 pages of motivating stars” who are all “charms of the year.” Since at a time of national crisis with the death toll soaring what could be more important than commemorating superficial care for they’ve been manufactured by makeup artists, hair stylists and fashion stylists and after that completely reimagined by digital editing?
The cover is ostensibly devoted to 74- year-old Goldie Hawn, her 41- year-old child Kate Hudson, and 16- month-old grand-daughter Rani, but in reality it’s committed to the art of Photoshop. When all 3 have less facial lines and wrinkles than a newborn, you understand that someone’s gone waaaay too far with the digital air-brush.
Fortunately we have the fracture investigative group at ‘United States’ mag to inform us that Jessica Alba used it best, that Terry Crews owns “over 500 customized matches,” which the stars are much like us: they ride bikes, consume ice cream, checked out books and play guitars. Delighting as ever.
Onwards and downwards …