Expect to see ‘National Enquirer’ readers driving around in Rolls Royces and hopping personal jets to their private islands.
They’ll all be rolling in cash thanks to an ad in this week’s edition that tells them: “How to save $19,899,901”
Just picture what they can do with all that cash!
And saving $19,899,901– such an exact sum, this deal should be legitimate– is simple.
Just purchase a fake 10.64 carat pink diamond ring for $99, and you’ll have saved that eight-figure fortune if you were considering buying the authentic article for $199 million, which is an apparently how much a comparable genuine pink diamond recently fetched at auction.
And simply believe how much more money you’ll save not needing to purchase costly insurance coverage for your $99 brand-new family heirloom.
Disregard the fine print that states the routine cost of the ring is $399 which you’ll just “Save $300” Just consider the $19,899,901 you’re really conserving, and splash out!
Or there’s an even much easier way to save $19,899,901: construct a time maker, go back to December 12, 1980, when Apple initially used shares at $22 a piece, and purchase a slew of stock.
It makes the $4.99 US cover cost of the ‘Enquirer’ all the more attractive, specifically when they bring us an “Explosive Special Examination!” as the cover story: “China’s Secret War on America!”
Xenophobia is the brand-new black at the ‘Enquirer,’ which has actually signed up with President Trump in learning to love Russia and rather see China as a wicked empire “hell-bent on world supremacy!” Like Starbucks, however without the matcha lattes.
” 8,000 representatives infiltrate US in 20- year attack,” the report claims. These were apparently “Communist Celebration soldiers– most impersonating trainees.”
Where did they come up with the figure of 8,000?
Could it be from the recent report by an academic business that estimated around 8,000 Chinese students a year are expelled from American universities and colleges because of unfaithful and poor academic performance?
A new United States ban on Chinese college student who earned their bachelor’s degrees at Chinese universities connected to the Chinese military entered into impact in June, keeping up to 3,000 Chinese trainees out of the country. But even if those universities often have ties to individuals’s Freedom Army it does not make the students soldiers. The move has actually been condemned by numerous as racist and cultivating anti-Asian bigotry, which isn’t helped by the ‘Enquirer’ duplicating its fondly-held accusation: “Experts charged the coronavirus is a bioweapon created in a Wuhan laboratory to compromise and distract America.”
The ‘Enquirer’ attacks “China’s Secret War on America” and “the nation’s expansionist military leaders” who have “seized islands.” They need to have done it the American method: When Trump wanted to buy Greenland, he was ready to make them a reasonable deal. That’s not expansionism. That’s simply good old American open market.
The ‘World’ continues to follow Trump’s lead in turning its laser-like focus on the evils of previous BFF Fox News, with this week’s cover story: “Fox News Sex Scandal Explodes!”
Fox hosts Sean Hannity, Tucker Carlson and Howard Kurtz have actually been implicated of sexual misbehavior, the ‘Globe’ claims, which to some may look like company as typical at the network.
But while former anchor Ed Henry has been implicated in a claim of sexual attack, Hannity and Carlson are named in the match for lesser questionable sexual habits, which they emphatically reject.
” Can the network make it through?” asks the Globe. As if iFox audiences, who have actually turned a blind eye to each of President Trump’s alleged sexual attacks, are going to be so disgusted by a Fox sex scandal that they’ll rely on CNN.
Speaking of sex scandals, the late billionaire convicted pedophile Jeffrey Epstein’s former girlfriend and lieutenant Ghislaine Maxwell, presently in a Brooklyn jail waiting for trial, is the subject of a ‘World’ story: “Ghislaine Set to be Stripped Bare!”
No, she’s not been deprived of all clothes because she’s a suicide danger (though she is reportedly dressed in paper jail attire for that reason.) She’s not even being strip-searched naked in jail, though that may possibly have actually already taken place. Rather, the ‘Globe’ recommends that Maxwell might be stripped of her fortune and lose her “$20 million secret stash” in banks across the world if Epstein’s victims sue her for damages, or if her wealth came directly from supporting Epstein’s unlawful sexes.
Britain’s Royals come in for their usual share of tabloid fairytales.
An “Enquirer Exclusive” reports: “Queen Kicks Meghan Out of Royal Household!” No, she didn’t. It didn’t occur. Meghan is still there, still a Duchess.
Despite all proof to the contrary, the ‘Enquirer’ declares that the Queen “in a fit of regal rage” over the brand-new Harry-and-Meghan-friendly bio ‘Finding Liberty,’ has ordered Meghan “eliminated from Britain’s royal household– forever.” At least there’s some great news: “Harry and Archie and welcome back– alone.”
This attempt at fair and balanced report shows the terrific efforts the ‘World’ produced impartiality, only calling Meghan a “queen” and a “requiring Duchess” instead of the normal catalogue of insults they shower on her.
The ‘Enquirer’ helpfully includes at the end of its story: “Prince Harry and Duchess Meghan did not respond to ask for comment.” Well, there’s a surprise.
The ‘Globe’ approaches Harry and Meghan’s drama from an alternate viewpoint, reporting: “Fed-Up William & Kate: Our Side of the Story!”
Shockingly, Duchess Kate and Prince William have not offered an exclusive interview to the ‘World.’ It’s just Kensington Palace PR spin regurgitated and hardly heated up. The rag, clearly declining to take sides, reports: “Kind-hearted Kate has repeatedly tried to repair fences and heal the household,” while “a former Palace staffer describes Harry and Meghan as ruined cry babies.”
In case readers are unclear where ‘World’ sensibilities lie, a viewpoint piece suggests: “Meghan’s A Filthy Dog.” The Duchess “belongs in a dog house” after allegedly “discarding her rescue pup, Bogart, with Canadian pals.” Meghan supposedly left her cherished adopted pet dog Bogart with pals when she relocated to Britain in2017 Today she is back in the US, the ‘World’ brands her “the Wicked Witch” for stopping working to retake belongings of her dog.
Let’s overlook the reality that after nearly 3 years in a brand-new home the pet dog may well be connected to its new household, and taking it back may be terrible to both.
Meghan just can’t catch a break. Neither can Angelina Jolie, another seasonal tabloid target.
” Aging Angie Swears Off Sex!” reports the ‘Enquirer,’ leaving readers to question how many listening gadgets and hidden cameras the rag actually has actually secreted around Jolie’s bed room. She has presumably been celibate because her split from Brad Pitt four years back, but simply since she hasn’t been photographed with another guy or lady doesn’t necessarily imply she has quit on sex.
‘ United States’ publication reports on “Angie’s Plea to her kids: Apologize.”
Jolie apparently desires her oldest children Maddox, 19, and Pax, 16, to reconcile with their father Brad Pitt, according to an unknown source. A second anonymous source helpfully includes: “There’s no indication this holds true.” Great, let’s run the story anyhow.
With Ellen DeGeneres under examination by her TV chat show’s parent business Warner Media, ‘Us’ mag’s cover story asks: “Who Will Steal Her Program”– though they ruin the impact by leaving out the required enigma, turning the heading into a declaratory declaration that makes one wonder if Abbott & Costello’s baseball gamer has actually left first base and prepares to take over Ellen’s show.
” Experts state Ellen’s completed,” reports the mag, which recommends that Kristen Bell, James Corden and Drew Barrymore are supposedly “in line for $500 m job– however she will not give up!” That might make it harder for anybody to take control of her program, I presume.
The Kardashian-West marriage disaster is scrutinized by ‘Us’ mag under the headline: “Why Kim Can’t Release?” Could it be arthritis? No, obviously she still likes Kanye, or as an unnamed source says: “there’s a desire to make it work.”
Katy Perry dominates– and I use that word advisedly– the cover of ‘Individuals’ publication, taking up so much area that she could be ready to provide octuplets, despite the heading declaring: “I’m So Delighted for Our Baby Girl!” She appears on the cover dutifully Photoshopped, air-brushed, smoothed and plasticized like every other ‘Individuals’ mag cover celeb, turned into a living waxwork.
Days away from providing her baby with fiancé Orlando Flower, she is yet again photographed with Bloom consistently absent. I make sure there’s an innocent explanation.
Fortunately we have the fracture investigative group at ‘United States’ mag to tell us that Maya Jama wore it best, that Olivia Culpo “was really chubby maturing,” and that the stars are much like us: they go treking, eat in restaurants, buy food, workout, paddle-board and grab drinks to go. I’m fortunate if I leave your home once a day to walk the dog throughout the pandemic, but that’s probably why I’m not a celebrity.
And late-breaking news from the ‘World’ reports that the city of Riverside, Iowa, “has stated itself the Future Birthplace of Star Trek’s Capt. James T. Kirk!”
A publicity stunt that occurred in 1985.
Perhaps the news was caught in a space-time wormhole.
Onwards and downwards …